Cigarettes and Bedtime Stories

I was holding my 3 year old's hand whilst she was going off to sleep after bath and bedtime story the other night and I thought, 'oh I know, I will go and have a cigarette after this'.

It's been 4 years 5 months and 13 days since I gave up smoking. Not that I'm counting or anything.

My thoughts then went like this;

oh but I do miss it

It would be lovely having 5 minutes outside looking at the stars

I miss the conversations with my husband about constellations (I know, we're sad)

I could just have the one every night 

As a treat

Oh but then I would want another one

When could I have another one?

It would help me lose weight.

Would I have one in the morning once I've dropped the girls off?

In the car?

But then I would want another

Probably at lunchtime

By then I would be addicted again

I would waste valuable time thinking about when I am going to have my next cigarette

I would get annoyed with the kids for keeping me from them

The cigarettes would be my number one priority

I would get irritable at work

In meetings

When we are in restaurants as a family

Shopping with friends

I would be irritable.

Then I would want to give up 

Again

Because I couldn't I would smoke more

And start hating my lack of will power

And myself

Then I would start thinking every little ache or pain

Is cancer

Because I smoked so much.

I hated being so reliant on something.

I don't want a cigarette anymore.

I look at my sleeping child and know the most important thing to me is being there for her as she grow's up.