What if...

Mostly, although I say I am a grumpy old woman, I have a sense of humour about things and I am generally optimistic. Give me a half a glass of water and I will say it's half full.

But last night I completely lost my sense of humour. Yes, some drink had been had, but no excuse.

I used more 'f**k's' in a sentence than I have in a long time.

I have had a pretty grim week at work....

I had a bout of IBS on Friday night and ended up in bed by 9.30pm.

I have the lie in on Saturdays but woke up exhausted and couldn't shake the tiredness all day. I did nothing with the kids and was irritable with them.

I had also woken up covered from the neck down in a rash, and after speaking to the hospital I have to stop taking the tablets for the gout that the other tablets may cause. And I had my period.

I second guess every feeling, every ache, is it my disease, is it a side effect from the tablets?

On Saturday some friends came over and I thought I was coming out of this grump. I cooked a meal for them, drank some wine and we started playing a game that normally has us all falling about laughing. And I was.

But then something was said and I flipped, I was so angry and pissed off.

I went to bed, I was in bed by 10.45pm and very upset.

I am angry that I am ill that doctors refer to 'my disease', I am angry that I have no energy, I am angry that I have to continue as if I haven't had totally earth shattering news, and when I am not angry I slip into the world of what if's....what if I don't see my girls grow up, what if I am not there for all their firsts..first boyfriend, first kiss, first day in a job, at college? My head could explode with the what if's....what if my husband can't cope? What if after working for all these  years I don't get to retire and do all the things we wanted.

What if I have wasted time, missed opportunities, not done all the things I intended.

Shit.

So I want to say I am sorry. Sorry to anyone who may be on the receiving end of my anger it wasn't meant for you. I am just a little bit out of sorts, and I am sure if there was a counsellor out there they would tell me it is normal to go through this and then I will move to acceptance. (I am even angry about that...)

I am sorry for this self pitying dialogue - this is not my normal style - I just needed to get things off my chest. I feel a bit better now.

Thanks XXX

A Momentary Lapse in Judgement

A friend of mine recently had a momentary lapse in judgement.

This lapse in judgement has meant I have spent quite a lot of time apologising to people.

My friend created a stupid (and strange and definitely not funny) comment in an email, and hit 'reply all' instead of 'reply'.

In fairness I wouldn't have thought much of the comment had he just hit reply.
Unfortunately by hitting 'reply all' he sent his stupid comment to nearly my entire personal address book (including my 80 year old Mum, people who work for me and some acquaintances as well as close friends).

And although the consequences of this have been difficult, challenging and emotionally draining, it has got me thinking.

This really bothered me, but when I tried to explain this to my friend, he said sorry, but I could see that he didn't really understand (or seem to really care) why I was upset or bothered.

Most people I know live by the motto 'do as you would be done by'. And that's the thing. If I had done to my friend what he did to me 3 things would have happened:

1. I would be mortified

2. I would have apologised - profusely to him and everybody else affected

3. He would have been really angry


So why doesn't he get it - he is an old and close friend, who I know would be up in arms if someone else had done this to me...Has my friendship become something that is such a constant that it's now taken for granted?


So what has happened - I had a couple of sleepless nights, I was angry and quite emotional and said quite a lot of bad words. I spoke to him on the phone and asked him to send an apology out but didn't say the bad words to him. A day later he sent an apology. I tried to tell him how I really felt but did it in such a way that he probably thought it was OK.

So who am I really angry at?

Me, I should have told him how upset he had made me, and all the real consequences of his actions.
Now what?

Probably nothing, we will just move one and I will tuck it away. Let’s hope all these things I tuck away don't make me explode one day.