Am I over-sharing?

I feel like I have neglected my blog these last few weeks. Work has been busy, home has been busy and I spend an awful lot of time quite tired. So it gets put to one side.
But, there is something on my mind and where better to share it than here.

My question to you all out in the blogosphere is; are we over sharing on our social media sites.

Recently I have seen two friends of mine, both male, poor their hearts out on Facebook. They are sharing their feelings in a way I wouldn't be comfortable sharing mine.

Neither of these friends have spoken to me about their feelings in this way and I find it odd they can put them out there in the world like that.

Don't get me wrong,I have expressed my grumpiness freely on Facebook and Twitter, and talked about my leukaemia openly here.

My friends, however, have shared proper heart wrenching feelings, feelings of sadness, loss, depression...Has the world changed so much that rather than talking to our 'physical, in the flesh' friends we just get it all out of our system on line?

In fairness, I have talked before about how I sometimes feel closer to my on line friends (the one's I have met) than some of my oldest and dearest friends, so I do kinda get it, but it is so out there...Everyone can see.

The truth is, I see my dark inner feelings as a weakness and something I am not particularly proud off. I don't want my work colleagues, friends, family and all en sundry to be burdened with them. Those of you who know me well may get the brunt of a bad day, but on the whole not something I want shared with everyone.

One of the friends has expressed so much that I am actually thinking about hiding their comments from view as they are so so sad and it is like a bubbling brook of emotion. I can't handle it. Does that make me a bad person?

Maybe it's a British stiff upper lip thing where we repress everything. I don't know, but I am definitely struggling with the sharing

What if...

Mostly, although I say I am a grumpy old woman, I have a sense of humour about things and I am generally optimistic. Give me a half a glass of water and I will say it's half full.

But last night I completely lost my sense of humour. Yes, some drink had been had, but no excuse.

I used more 'f**k's' in a sentence than I have in a long time.

I have had a pretty grim week at work....

I had a bout of IBS on Friday night and ended up in bed by 9.30pm.

I have the lie in on Saturdays but woke up exhausted and couldn't shake the tiredness all day. I did nothing with the kids and was irritable with them.

I had also woken up covered from the neck down in a rash, and after speaking to the hospital I have to stop taking the tablets for the gout that the other tablets may cause. And I had my period.

I second guess every feeling, every ache, is it my disease, is it a side effect from the tablets?

On Saturday some friends came over and I thought I was coming out of this grump. I cooked a meal for them, drank some wine and we started playing a game that normally has us all falling about laughing. And I was.

But then something was said and I flipped, I was so angry and pissed off.

I went to bed, I was in bed by 10.45pm and very upset.

I am angry that I am ill that doctors refer to 'my disease', I am angry that I have no energy, I am angry that I have to continue as if I haven't had totally earth shattering news, and when I am not angry I slip into the world of what if's....what if I don't see my girls grow up, what if I am not there for all their firsts..first boyfriend, first kiss, first day in a job, at college? My head could explode with the what if's....what if my husband can't cope? What if after working for all these  years I don't get to retire and do all the things we wanted.

What if I have wasted time, missed opportunities, not done all the things I intended.

Shit.

So I want to say I am sorry. Sorry to anyone who may be on the receiving end of my anger it wasn't meant for you. I am just a little bit out of sorts, and I am sure if there was a counsellor out there they would tell me it is normal to go through this and then I will move to acceptance. (I am even angry about that...)

I am sorry for this self pitying dialogue - this is not my normal style - I just needed to get things off my chest. I feel a bit better now.

Thanks XXX

A Rant and a Realisation

Yep, it's happened again. I am too cross to keep it in and I need a rant.

• I am sick of the people's head going to one side
• Their eye's getting wider
• And saying...'How are you?' The emphasis being on the word 'are' and the R in are).

Now I realise that they are just being nice - but I have seen it too many times this last couple of weeks. I am not telling you I am sick because I want your pity or your sympathy. I am telling you because you are close to me and it is now a part of me. Or, you need to know for Health and Safety reasons (work).

Last night I told two old friends and watched them simultaneously burst into tears. Dear Lord. I then spent the rest of the evening trying to cheer them up and doing all my best cancer jokes, one of them was physically wincing at this. I know it's a lot to take in, but I have every intention of out living them all (cue evil genius laughter...Mwahahahahaha). I am, after all, having my blood cells mutated so potentially could be turning into spiderman.

So to all of you who read this, I really appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers (keep them coming..I need all the help I can get), but don't treat me differently. I am still me. I am not dead yet. And I really have appreciated all your lovely comments on my blog.

OK that was number one. I know, you thought that was it didn't you...Oh no not at all.

Why oh why oh why do people of my age (40 ish....) seem to fall into two categories. Those who love technology and those who hate it. I am a lover - obviously, but same two friends - who won't be reading this as they are haters (as they say in those rap songs*) are not..

Now it's not that they don't like it - it is that they are so black and white about it. There is no grey. None.

Basically the internet and any form of social media is the devil's work. They should burn me for a witch for knowing how to use it.

In fairness, one of them has a daughter who had a dreadful internet bullying situation and this has effected her view, but she has just shut down to it all. She doesn't want to know about anything social media, or how it works. I tried talking to her about parental controls and nanny software, but she wanted no part of it.

It felt like ignorance....

And whilst I have been typing this I have realised why I am so grumpy. I talked to my friends last night about my Leukaemia, but I also talked about my treatment and the really positive results it was having. All they heard was Leukaemia. Then we talked about social media - which I love and they stopped listening to me then too.

I feel like two of oldest friends don't trust me or listen to me. Have we changed so much that we no longer have anything in common, and see each other so infrequently that we don't actually know each other at all.

This makes me sadder than my disease.


*Said in posh radio 4 type voice

Seven Things that make me Grumpy

I kinda volunteered for this - so my usual grumpy complaining about getting a Meme and insults for the giver of said meme will have to be left out of this one.
Anyhoo ..Elle at Defective Tykewriter has asked me what are the seven things that make grumpy...
Well - where to start...?

1. Being trapped in a stupid phone contract whilst all around me (including my husband) get android/iPhones. I want one NOW, my phone is rubbish and has been for ages, but stupid contract provider would not change without huge costs (yeah, I know I signed the contract etc...but we all make mistakes). Roll on the 22nd May. My iPhone calleth me. 
2. My husband teaching our daughters boy things. For example farting with your armpit & paper planes. Don't get me wrong, I like a paper planes but I seem to be the only person in this house able to pick them up. Also, the rather weak claim that he is teaching them 'physics' is rubbish. Lets not fancy up a paper plane. A paper plane is a paper plane is a paper plane. 
3. Back to picking things up. Socks. Little socks. Everywhere. Why oh why oh why oh why do my three year old and seven year old not need socks the minute they walk in the house and just take them off and leave them ..WHY...??????
4. Music snobs, people who look down their nose at you if you dare to like something mainstream. My iPod has a real mixture on, from Marilyn Manson to Brittany Spears, some hardcore house to The Damned. If I like it, I listen to it. If I don't I don't. Get off your high horses and get over yourselves.
5. The same applies to the telly. I like Big Brother, but I don't like/get I am a Celebrity get me out of here, but I don't think any less of the people who watch it. I don't watch soaps but I like geeky Sci Fi stuff. Similarly, people who say..oh I don't have time for TV, that's fine but don't think less of me because I do - and yet surprisingly I can read a book too.
6. The BNP. I am all for freedom of speech but come on...really. Where did all the people on this Island called Great Britain come from? Everywhere else. Thats all. 
7. My brain makes me grumpy. I used to be an optimist and glass half full - now look at me. I thought of this list without even trying - I haven't mentioned anything about ageing and all the physical ailments that go with it, I also totally agree re:texting on Elle's post, it really annoy's me, use prescriptive text for God's sake. I want my brain to be back in my twenties when I was full of hope and positivity.

I am going to pass the joy of the Grumpy meme to anyone who wants to give it a go. It's quite cathartic and I might do another 7 just for the heck of it.