Still Harping on Daughters

For the Gallery this week it is all about the women in our lives. My Mum is an institution, (she is an inspiration as well) I could write and write about how proud she makes me and how much she does for other people. My friends are old and new are great but the girls I love the most are my girls.

I always knew I would have girls. I wasn't someone who was super maternal but I just had no concept of boys. I do have a brother but it never occurred to me I would have girls.

I agreed with my husband with our first child that if it was a boy he would choose the name, and if it was a girl I would choose. In the end we both decided on the name together (but I knew I was on safe ground).

I 'get', my girls, I know what they are doing when they are not listening, I used to do it, day dreaming my time away. Thinking of stories.

I see them be indecisive about clothes but fiercely independent if I intervene.

I see my husbands frustration when they can't decide what to wear, or when we go shopping and they want to look at everything.

They are my little women.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing them just talking to each other and not falling out over stuff.

There is four years between them and I worried that they wouldn't be close, but they are.

They are similar and very different, they make me laugh when my humour has gone.

I don't know what will happen when they are teenagers, when they become woman, but I hope they are as sweet natured, optimistic and loving as they are now, and that the big bad world does not take this away.

What if...

Mostly, although I say I am a grumpy old woman, I have a sense of humour about things and I am generally optimistic. Give me a half a glass of water and I will say it's half full.

But last night I completely lost my sense of humour. Yes, some drink had been had, but no excuse.

I used more 'f**k's' in a sentence than I have in a long time.

I have had a pretty grim week at work....

I had a bout of IBS on Friday night and ended up in bed by 9.30pm.

I have the lie in on Saturdays but woke up exhausted and couldn't shake the tiredness all day. I did nothing with the kids and was irritable with them.

I had also woken up covered from the neck down in a rash, and after speaking to the hospital I have to stop taking the tablets for the gout that the other tablets may cause. And I had my period.

I second guess every feeling, every ache, is it my disease, is it a side effect from the tablets?

On Saturday some friends came over and I thought I was coming out of this grump. I cooked a meal for them, drank some wine and we started playing a game that normally has us all falling about laughing. And I was.

But then something was said and I flipped, I was so angry and pissed off.

I went to bed, I was in bed by 10.45pm and very upset.

I am angry that I am ill that doctors refer to 'my disease', I am angry that I have no energy, I am angry that I have to continue as if I haven't had totally earth shattering news, and when I am not angry I slip into the world of what if's....what if I don't see my girls grow up, what if I am not there for all their firsts..first boyfriend, first kiss, first day in a job, at college? My head could explode with the what if's....what if my husband can't cope? What if after working for all these  years I don't get to retire and do all the things we wanted.

What if I have wasted time, missed opportunities, not done all the things I intended.

Shit.

So I want to say I am sorry. Sorry to anyone who may be on the receiving end of my anger it wasn't meant for you. I am just a little bit out of sorts, and I am sure if there was a counsellor out there they would tell me it is normal to go through this and then I will move to acceptance. (I am even angry about that...)

I am sorry for this self pitying dialogue - this is not my normal style - I just needed to get things off my chest. I feel a bit better now.

Thanks XXX

The Gallery - The Twiglet Manifesto

It is week 29 of the Gallery, and Tara has set us some tricky challenges over those 29 weeks. This week was easy for me. When I gave up smoking (5 years and 21 days ago - not that I am counting) I developed a new habit/love.

Twiglets.

I have a bag a night. Sometimes two. They are yummy and only 90 calories per little bag.

Now I realise this is controversial, and they are basically the biscuity Marmite equivalent (like that too). So I expect strong reactions.

However, I have made this special message just for Tara. She threatened me with a ban from the Gallery if I did Twiglets (it's almost like she doesn't recognise them as food????) - which under equality and diversity laws (and I have an NVQ 2 in this) I find Twigletist. And no one likes a Twigletist.

So I think Tara needs to think about what she has said and feel the love for the poor, Twiglet. It is a food and should have it's rightful place in the food chain. Up the Twiglet revolution my brothers and sisters! Join me and you too could have a bag (maybe two) of Twiglets a night



Gif animator online

Oh and when I finished all this I had this.

A lovely cup of coffee.

A Rant and a Realisation

Yep, it's happened again. I am too cross to keep it in and I need a rant.

• I am sick of the people's head going to one side
• Their eye's getting wider
• And saying...'How are you?' The emphasis being on the word 'are' and the R in are).

Now I realise that they are just being nice - but I have seen it too many times this last couple of weeks. I am not telling you I am sick because I want your pity or your sympathy. I am telling you because you are close to me and it is now a part of me. Or, you need to know for Health and Safety reasons (work).

Last night I told two old friends and watched them simultaneously burst into tears. Dear Lord. I then spent the rest of the evening trying to cheer them up and doing all my best cancer jokes, one of them was physically wincing at this. I know it's a lot to take in, but I have every intention of out living them all (cue evil genius laughter...Mwahahahahaha). I am, after all, having my blood cells mutated so potentially could be turning into spiderman.

So to all of you who read this, I really appreciate your kind thoughts and prayers (keep them coming..I need all the help I can get), but don't treat me differently. I am still me. I am not dead yet. And I really have appreciated all your lovely comments on my blog.

OK that was number one. I know, you thought that was it didn't you...Oh no not at all.

Why oh why oh why do people of my age (40 ish....) seem to fall into two categories. Those who love technology and those who hate it. I am a lover - obviously, but same two friends - who won't be reading this as they are haters (as they say in those rap songs*) are not..

Now it's not that they don't like it - it is that they are so black and white about it. There is no grey. None.

Basically the internet and any form of social media is the devil's work. They should burn me for a witch for knowing how to use it.

In fairness, one of them has a daughter who had a dreadful internet bullying situation and this has effected her view, but she has just shut down to it all. She doesn't want to know about anything social media, or how it works. I tried talking to her about parental controls and nanny software, but she wanted no part of it.

It felt like ignorance....

And whilst I have been typing this I have realised why I am so grumpy. I talked to my friends last night about my Leukaemia, but I also talked about my treatment and the really positive results it was having. All they heard was Leukaemia. Then we talked about social media - which I love and they stopped listening to me then too.

I feel like two of oldest friends don't trust me or listen to me. Have we changed so much that we no longer have anything in common, and see each other so infrequently that we don't actually know each other at all.

This makes me sadder than my disease.


*Said in posh radio 4 type voice

Smiles - The Gallery

How my children are first thing in the morning can affect my whole day.

Mostly, my girls are well behaved, happy, uncomplicated wonderful, magical things, that I am eternally grateful for.

Occasionally, they give me a headaches and make me reminisce on childless times.

Between them, my gorgeous husband, and the rest of my family I spend a lot of time smiling and laughing - this is why.

So here is my Gallery for this week.

I have put this last one in because there he is being daft (and a little bit sinister!) Love him. And them. xxx

Blood

I haven't blogged for a while - time for a bit of an explanation.

I have umm'ed and ahh'ed about whether to use Blognonymous for this post, but I have decided that as I blog about my life, my kids, I would blog about this as this is now a part of my life...well..forever.

 I went for a routine blood test as part of a free health assessment thing that work provide. My blood, specifically my white blood cells are not right. There are too many of them. 

Now an interlude...The NHS are AMAZING. When it is something serious, they work so quickly and efficiently. So impressed. A massive shout out to the doctors and nurses of ward 19 at Heartlands Hospital in Birmingham

So, for the last couple of weeks I have had lots of tests, including, a bone marrow biopsy (that was Not Funny).

Turns out I have Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia (CML) - which sounds bad, well yes, it is bad. But if you are going to have a Leukaemia this is the one to have.

I should be able to manage it with tablets and although it is unlikely I will ever be cured my prognosis is good. 

Isn't it strange how much information you can absorb when you need to. I suddenly have an understanding of chromosomes, marrow and stem cells, that I never had before. I still can't pronounce the medicine they plan to put me on, but hey ho.

The good news is that I can't give this to my kids, it's not genetic, it's just one of those things? (does that mean I could have kept smoking?)

So,  I have spent a lot of time here - and I will encourage you to give - I am going on a clinical trial which will hopefully help future patients, and purely from a selfish perspective may help me!

So all this puts things in perspective, and I was feeling all glum and self pitying, and then I hear about a couple who lost their seven month old baby last week, after only having her diagnosed with a growth earlier in the week. At least I have had 42 years. My thoughts are with her family. 

As they say, there is always someone worse off than you.

Wordless Wednesday - Love is...

Normally this time of the week I am doing something for the Gallery. But this week, I didn't really have a photo that did the theme justice, so for the first time in twenty five weeks, I am doing a wordless Wednesday instead.

My brother and his son's have an amazing relationship.
His eldest son is fifteen and  by all accounts, he should be out and not spending time with us his boring old family.

Last Sunday my brother and the rest of my immediate family went here - The Inn at Grinshill which is lovely and in the middle of the back end of beyond in gorgeous Shropshire where I grew up.

And we had a lovely day and my fifteen year old nephew had a game of chess with my 7 year old daughter (his cousin) and let her win and didn't make a fuss that we all helped her and he was left to just get on with it.

I took this photo (on manual - otherwise Cosmicgirlie would be v.cross) and it just personifies a relationship I can only wish for with my daughters. I am very proud of my brother and both his sons and love them very much. But shhh...don't tell him. And don't tell him about this as he hate's photos of himself..don't know why?